Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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