Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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