and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
