Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
