the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize