He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
