So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
