I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Randomize
