guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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