I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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