so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
