it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
