There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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