It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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