I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
