so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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