I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Drunk is a universal language darling
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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