Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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