If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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