i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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