He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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