he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
