i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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