Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
