i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Someone came in the potted fern
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
