The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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