Will you blow on my dice?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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