please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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