Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
