Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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