Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
