Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
