So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
