did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
