Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
