I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
