Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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