ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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