I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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