You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
babies were throwing up all over the place
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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