dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we made out on top of his cat.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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