I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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