As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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