Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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