mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
we're so committed to being not committed
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
