worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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