dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
