wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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