I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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