i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
