what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
