i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
