Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
