There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
