He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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