You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
