apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
