you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
