I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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