Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize