Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
